It is the journey that makes us
by christianaddict
Summary: Christian leaves Walford just before Syed marries Amira. The marriage starts to flounder. Syed realises he has to be true to himself. Sex, lies religion, the human conditon-this story has got it all! Love reviews!
1. Chapter 1

_This is the first Chapter of an alternative story to my 'Christan and Syed' (the one in which Syed comes out.) In this story Syed does not voluntarily come out and Zainab will attack who she believes is to blame. Lots more chapters to come and reviews really appreciatied_

Christian and Syed- In the alleyway and after

"He's not you though."

The two of them had stood in front of each other, exchanging pleasantries but their bodies and their eyes were talking a whole other language.

They'd all ready begun this unspoken conversation earlier at the meal…..

Sitting at the table, Syed couldn't stop himself looking at Christian. They were both acutely aware of each other. It was as if the two of them were connected by an invisible current that ignited whenever they were close. Christian tried to be a good host, to support and compliment James, but as soon as he and Syed were alone in the kitchen together, the atmosphere became more charged. Both of them tried to keep the conversation light, superficial.

Neither was really concentrating on what was said and then Syed cut his finger and Christian was instantly at his side, all concern. When Christian took Syed's hand in his, Syed could feel his blood pounding. Christian was so tender. Syed couldn't help looking at Christian, he felt he never wanted to stop looking at Christian. Oh god the man was so beautiful. Syed knew he should stop, that he wasn't being fair but he couldn't hide his need to know that Christian wanted him more than James, that nothing had changed The looks that passed between them said it all. Syed found it hard to tear his gaze away there was such hunger and reproach in Christian's eyes.

Christian's frustration with the whole situation was reaching boiling point. Back at the table he took it out on everyone and the 'party' quickly broke up. He knew he hadn't behaved well and he took himself off to find Jane to apologise. She gave him no comfort.

"Nobody gets a happy ending Christian," She almost spat the words. "Not without a lot of hard work and pain along the way"

She didn't know just how much meaning those words, spoken about her own situation, struck at Christian

"You may enjoy making a drama out of your own life but don't do it to mine"

Christian wasn't used to harsh words from Jane and knew if he'd elicited them he probably deserved everything he got.

He felt completely at odds in himself. Everything felt wrong. He knew he wasn't being fair to James and James was all ready getting to him. He made too much mess, spoke too loud, liked Christian too much. Christian _knew_ this wasn't fair and if he'd never met Syed he could have cared for James properly. James was lovely, a decent guy. But…

"He's not you though"

Christian and Syed stood facing each other. Everything that really mattered wasn't spoken. Christian looked to the side, saw the alley and acted, pulling Syed with him. Seconds later Syed stood with his back to the wall, Christian pressed against him, both of them breathing heavily. The wind moaned outside and the door of the passageway banged and creaked.

"I tried Syed but…"

"I know," murmured Syed, his voice thick with desire.

Syed's heart was pounding, adrenaline coursing through his body. He saw a sudden movement, turned his head sharply, trying to see what it was.

"I think there's someone watching," he said

But Christian's need was too pressing and the strength of it carried them both back to the place where there was only each other.

"You worry too much," he said. "Come here"

And then they were kissing, tongues in each others mouths, hands rubbing and stroking, both needing to let the other know how much it meant. The short period spent apart, trying to move on, their mutual jealousy of _any_ other person in the way had only intensified things between them. However much either of them tried to deny what they were feeling, what was happening between them, it always came back to this. All that mattered was this. Christian pulled Syed against him, made him feel him.

"Sy, I want you … " he said groaning with his need.

"Go on," he breathed as Syed's movements became more deliberate, more knowing.

"Christian, we have to stop we can't do this here...let's go back to yours"

Syed had to force himself to come up for air. They were drowning in each other.

"C'mon Christian, not here!"

His voice took on some urgency and Christian became aware of where he was. Syed pulled him further down the passageway, around the corner where no one could see them. Syed felt more awake then he'd ever done in his life. Fear of being discovered mixed with intense excitement was a heady combination. He felt high, like he could run and never get tired.

"Christian, you go first. I'll give you a couple of minutes and I'll catch you at yours."

As soon as Syed was in the door they were taking off their clothes. They didn't kiss. They looked at each other as each item of clothing was thrown off, revealing themselves to one another. When they were both completely naked, they moved together, the feeling of skin against skin almost shocking in its sensuality.

Syed ran his hands all over Christian.

"Say you want me," said Christian, "Say it"

"I want you Christian"

"Say it again,"

"Christian, you know I want you"

They kissed more deeply. Christian ran his hands lightly up and down Syed's back, Syed shivered. Christian moved to stand behind him and pressed the full length of his body against Syed back,lifting Syed's hair,kissing his neck, light kisses, running his hands up and down Syed's arms, resting his hand on Syed's belly and pulling him even tighter against his own. Syed reached behind him and with both hands on Christian, pulled him against him so he could feel his full hardness. It was as if they were trying to become one being, as if the more they pressed and pulled, eventually there would be no separation. They stood there, like that, for some time just feeling the subtle changes as one body part pressed a little more and then another, listening to each others breath, Christian running his tongue over Syed's skin, pressing his teeth into Syed's shoulder just enough to leave a momentary mark. All the time the two of them could feel their desire building. Syed closed his eyes, and they swayed together a little. Then Christian moved his hand lower, held Syed, feeling the blood pulsing and Syed became harder with the feel of Christian's hand and the thought of where it was going. The feeling of Christian behind him, the movements of Christian's hand were becoming almost unbearable. His whole body was pulsing and suddenly he pulled away, turned to face Christian, pushed him against the wall needing to take things up a level. Syed knew that Christian would be exited by him taking the lead, that that was part of what made their love making so intense, that either of them could play this role. He loved that look Christian gave him when he took over. Loved his ability to create anticipation and surrender,... that Christian _let him._

Christian let him do a lot more and they made love until they were both exhausted. They fell asleep in each others arms still wanting the closeness.

It was dark when they woke up and Syed made coffee while Christian gathered up their clothes, put the heating on, ran them a bath.

They had reached that moment again. Syed would leave, to continue trying to live his other life and Christian would nurse an ever growing pain that seemed to intensify every time they renewed their connection and then felt the aloneness after Syed had gone. He could all ready feel himself almost hating Syed

Christian looked over to where Syed stood and Syed's head was bowed as if he was in pain. He got up, went to him, touched Syed's face.

"Sy, what is it?"

Syed looked anguished

"Why does everything have to be so difficult?" I just want to be with you and I can't do it"

"Sy you're here now, you _can _do it"

"You don't understand how afraid I am. I couldn't _stand_ seeing you with James; I don't want this to end…I think I'm in love with you Christian. I don't know what I'm gonna do… What am I gonna do?

"Come here"

Christian stroked Syed's hair away from his face.

"Syed, look you have to face this. If it's not me then it will be someone else. You're never gonna be happy with Amira. You're never gonna be able to make _her _happy. And she'll find out and then she'll hate you for lying to her. You can't deny what's happening here. What you are. I love _you_ Syed. I never meant it with anyone before, I could never say it, but this is it Si, you and me, it's something special. I knew it from the first time."

Christian kissed Syed then, so gently, with all the love he could convey, stroking Syed's hair, holding him close.

"Look, you've got me. I'll stand by your side. It's us together, not you alone facing this. I'm Superman remember?" he said smiling, trying to lift the darkness he saw in Syed's eyes.

Syed spoke then.

"Christian I've tried to be brave. I almost told Amira but then I couldn't do it . I went to the Imam but he gave me nothing. I've trawled the internet trying to feel supported so I can face my parents. I've looked on all these forums, there's lot's of other Muslims like me, going through the same struggles and it gave me strength when I read them- but then , when I think about telling mum and dad, what it's gonna do to them… I'm not brave like you Christian"

"That's just not true Sy. Look how you helped me when I was too scared to even step out the house. You came to the police with me, you would have come in with me – you weren't hiding then. I was scared, I was a mess. I couldn't even answer this door for god's sake. _Everyone_ feels weak sometimes Si but you'll get strength from being honest with yourself"

"When I'm with you I feel strong enough. I think my parents love me- it'll turn out okay and I'd be doing Amira a favour in the long run. But when I'm with them I lose it and I can't do it"

"So let me be there with you Si. Let me help. Look at me. Look at me Si. We can be together_ everyday_, _You _and _me_. They _will _understand in time. Your mum loves you she's not gonna cast you out of her life, not forever. She accepts me, whatever stupid things she says sometimes."

"Yeah, but you're not her son, you're not Muslim, you're not going to provide her with grandchildren, and would she really stand by you? Look how she was at Bushra's party."

"Well you weren't much better, but you're here now. People learn, sometimes 'cause they have to. They change, love makes us surprise ourselves. I think they'll deal with it, they just need time. You needed time"

"Christian, you can't change what's _written. _I live my _life_ by what's written, I still need time Christian and there's probably never gonna be enough."

"Well, time's up! I can't go on being your bit on the side" said Christian suddenly feeling the full pain and frustration of their situation. "I've hurt James, my best and oldest mate, I've taken it every time you've pushed me away, but I can't keep on. You've really hurt me, more than once. _Why_ is that okay? Do you think I've got less feeling than other people? One minute your in my arms and I know what's going on, neither of us is playing at this. But then you're telling me not to touch you, as if I'm pushing myself on you and you've got no part in it. I've had enough of it Si. I need to know I'm worth something to you. I'll stand by you, hold your hand, and be with you when you tell your family. I'll take whatever they throw at me, and I know they're gonna hate me for corrupting their precious number one son. As long as I've got you it doesn't matter to me. But I need to know where I stand. You say you love me-what does that mean Si?"

Christian looked at him, just seeing his face made Syed's chest contract.

" I have to go Christian,"

" Yeah," said Christian, hurt and angry again. " you know, your gonna be getting married in six weeks and if that happens Si I know I can't do this any more." I'm not just fucking you Si, I'm in love with you and don't tell me not to say it. You said it first tonight, although you said you 'think' you're in love with me. Well I know I'm in love with you. This is it for me. I am your boyfriend even if your not mine and I've just about had enough of not even being able to say that to you, let alone the world. You go Si , ask Sameenah if its worth it. Come back when you have the answer"

To be continued


	2. Chapter 2

_I wrote this under another title but have decided to make it a continuing part of this story. This story is an alternative scenario to my other fanfic 'Christian and Syed'. Chapter three coming up forthwith!! Will be departing from Eastenders storyline much more as this story develops. Reviews would be really appreciated -thanks for reading xx_

Part two- Living a lie.

Syed was acting like a child. Christian felt exasperated and angry, both with himself and Syed. In fact the whole damn situation was ridiculous! But the passion was so intense between them; it was like a drug he felt unable to step away from. Syed behaved increasingly like a teenager around his family and Christian found it hard to stomach. Time and time again he found himself wondering what the hell he was doing.

Christian was used to making his own choices and dealing with the consequences. His life was his own and he made no apologies for who he was. Syed on the other hand lived his entire existence in relation to the expectation of others and was acutely aware of how he was perceived. Whilst to be fair, this was not Syed's fault, it put Christian in a position he'd never been in before and it didn't sit well with him. He liked to be honest. Although he found Amira tiresome at times, he liked her and nobody deserved to be lied to. While Christian had been fighting for Syed to acknowledge what was going on between them, he'd felt justified in pursuing him. But once Syed had admitted he wanted Christian in his life, that he didn't want to stop seeing him the continuing deceit was becoming harder to deal with. Syed showed him love and even adoration in private, but he knew Syed was still ashamed and therefore by definition ashamed of what he felt for him.

Christian was blessed with some depth of character and the situation just wasn't right. He felt more and more at odds with himself and _angry,_ but he also knew he was seriously in love. The way Syed looked at him sometimes, the way they seemed to fit together. Just thinking about Syed could arouse Christian and make his heart beat faster. It was as if the two of them merged into one being at times, so fluid were their exchanges. Christian had always held something back in all his previous relationships. Now, it was as if he had moved from always being in control, always being in his own head, to another space where he let go thought and allowed himself the full intensity of a direct experience. How could he give that up? He found himself contemplating ending the relationship quite regularly these days. One part of him was utterly addicted, but there was another voice that demanded he do something about this situation before he lost all self respect. He could not watch Si get married. He could not be his secret lover once he was. It had to stop.

On Friday he'd watched Syed go off to the business awards and been so angry at the thought of him playing the dutiful son and devoted fiancé, he'd taken himself uptown for the weekend; trawled a few old haunts, gone to a club he knew, purposely flirted and enjoyed the propositions. He'd turned them all down, but gained a little self respect back in the process. He'd drunk too much, laughed too loud, but couldn't find the peace he craved. More than anything he was hurt. Hurt that Syed hadn't jumped at the opportunity for them to be out together in public without questions. Christian had had many lovers but right now he wanted what a true love affair could bring. He found himself longing just to be alone with Sy, for them to live openly, happily. He wanted everyone to see, to share in his happiness. Surely that was part of it? When you found love you wanted to share your good feeling with everyone else that mattered. Christian was even denied that. There were moments these days when Christian felt more alone than ever.

Syed's inner conviction of the week before only went so far. He'd found a solution that suited him and convinced himself that he was doing all he could. In his mind he'd managed to settle things. He had admitted to himself that he wanted to be with Christian. In doing so he felt he had travelled an inner journey of many miles, but outwardly very little had changed. The part of Syed that needed his family's acceptance, his culture's acceptance was powerful. Syed was so intent on saving his own skin, he wouldn't let himself see just how much pain the situation was causing Christian. He felt himself to be in a rock and a hard place. Since Friday when they'd all come back to find 'Bad Boy' daubed on the front door, he'd been consumed with dread that he'd been found out. So much so, that when, on Monday he saw his father with Jane, he'd bought into his mother's paranoia and distress as well as his own need for a 'get out,' and put two and two together and made five.

Earlier that day Syed had been convinced that his dad knew about him and Christian. He'd run to Christian's expressing his fears. Christian couldn't take it on board. He was sick of the whole situation. He just wanted to get rid of the bad feeling that was taking hold more and more. He kept picturing himself being strong and leaving Syed to get on with his life. In the end he couldn't resist eliciting a promise from Syed to come back that afternoon and let him help 'take his mind off things'

Despite everything that Christian was feeling, all the negatives and conflicting thoughts, when later Syed came through the door Christian couldn't help himself. He was up against him in an instant. The two of them all ready exited. It was as if something ignited whenever they touched. Christian found his mouth literally watering, the anticipation was overwhelming. Almost more so because of the thoughts that were plaguing him. He couldn't believe there was so much sex to be had in a kiss, how deeply he could lose himself in it. How much he wanted to possess Syed. It wasn't like him. Usually he liked an equal exchange with his partners, but something about Syed drew out a desire to show his physical prowess. He loved the way he could make Syed moan with wanting. Loved to watch Syed becoming more and more sexually abandoned. If he could have articulated it, it was the excitement when Syed allowed himself to be who he was. When Syed was deep in his passion and love for Christian he forgot all the things he should be and really connected with his own being. In those moments he found his strength, would push back at Christian; take the lead knowing just how to make Christian feel both lust and love in a way he'd never experienced with any other man. They were equals when Syed was like that.

As they lay quietly together after their lovemaking, wet with sweat, body's still humming with the taste and feel of each other, Christian felt so much longing for it not to end, it was a tangible pain in his head and heart.

Part three.

Where's it all going?

When Christian found out what Syed had done, how he'd dropped both his father and Jane in it, he was disgusted. Christian loved his sister dearly and knew her to be a decent woman. He was finding it harder and harder to maintain his respect for Syed and this threatened to destroy everything they had. As long as Syed had resisted him, Christian had had something to push against. He'd understood Syed's resistance, and however much he didn't like it he'd respected his conflict. But this? It was as if Syed had taken two steps forward only to take ten back.

"Why d'you go blabbin' to your mother Sy?"

"I thought they were having an affair. I didn't want to see mum hurt. I thought dad was lying to all of us."

Syed couldn't meet Christian's eyes.

"Yeah, and it didn't have _anything_ to do with taking the heat off yourself did it Syed? You know you're the liar. You're lying to everyone; I don't how much longer.I can do this. Really"

"Christian, I'm just trying to do the right thing. Why can't you be happy? ….I'm with you, you got me. I want to be near you all the time; everything is just so difficult right now. I don't think you understand what it's like for me".

"Oh I understand all right, you want it all, but you know what? The way things are going, you're gonna end up with nothing."

To be continued


	3. Chapter 3

_Weeks later the story continues- Syed and Christian have been blackmailed by Lucy__, dealt with the situation, come out the other side and their relationship has deepened, but of course Syed is still in denial. Will he ever accept who is is and where his heart lies? Read on……_

Scene – The reception -Denise and Lucas' wedding- chapter three

"C'mon," said Christian touching Syed's chest with his hand. It was an intimate gesture. Syed was filled with desire but terrified that people were watching. Only two people who knew each other physically would interact in that very particular way. It didn't go unnoticed. Maz had been watching the two of them all night. He noticed that Syed spent far more time with Christian than Amira. He also noticed the looks that passed between the two men. Earlier, when he'd struck up conversation with Lucas, he'd seen Syed and Christian talking. Their body language spoke volumes. Syed obviously wasn't playing games with Christian. It didn't look like a straight man's banter with a gay friend. It looked like a lover's exchange and whatever Christian had said to Syed had caused him both pleasure and panic. In some ways Maz knew his son very well and he could certainly distinguish the play of emotions on Syed's face- Whatever was going on between those two, it spelt trouble and Masood was pretty sure he would rather not know. He felt sick to his stomach at the thought of what he might be seeing.

"I love you" Christian had said

Syed felt himself go hot and cold. He thrilled at the words but he didn't want to hear it, not here. What was Christian playing at?

"And you love me" said Christian

It was a statement of fact. Christian said it in such a way it was both a challenge and a caress. It exited Syed. Christian was a little drunk and less careful than usual, moving into Syed's space and getting close enough for people to see, if they were looking, that there was more going on than just friendship. He'd once told Christian that he sometimes felt he was too full on, that he couldn't breathe around him, but the truth was, Christian's intensity turned Syed on. Christian was calling him out and it was true, Syed was falling in love with him, maybe had begun to love him right from the very beginning. Christian's boldness was intoxicating and Syed found himself feeding off it. However much he denied it, he felt the same and he felt unbelievably happy that Christian had said those words. He used all the people around them as cover – people were busy watching Denise throw her bouquet- he put his hand in Christians, closed his fingers and squeezed, rubbing his thumb up and down Christian's finger. It felt like the most erotic thing he'd ever done. Just the feeling of touching each other in such an intimate way in such a public place, the danger of it and the fact that only they knew. Syed looked up at him and although he could see that Christian was turned on there was much more in the look Christian gave back; Christian's eyes spoke his love and warmth for him and deep happiness at his gesture. God knows he'd given him few enough of them. It could become very addictive –making Christian happy. He knew how much pride it was costing Christian to be with him, despite the situation and the secrecy. Syed was in deep and he knew it. It was becoming increasingly difficult to live two lives. He couldn't seem to pull himself away that night. He knew he should circulate, stand with Amira, talk to other people, but when Christian was in the room it was hard to see anyone else.

C'mon Si, lets get out of here. Think of something to tell her, have a headache."

"Just wait a bit, let me dance with her a little, chat to my dad, circulate. We've been standing together all evening. Someone is gonna notice. I'll come to yours in a couple of hours."

"Okay, all right," Christian was determined not to let anything get to him that night. He went off to look for Roxy.

Syed hated bringing Christian back to reality, but there was no way he could just leave now. He'd felt his father's eyes on him earlier and even Amira had looked at him a little strangely. Maybe it was his imagination. He felt constantly jumpy these days certain that it was only a matter of time before someone found out and told his family. His eyes sought out Christian again, god he'd only been gone five minutes and all ready he wanted to look at him again. He looked so damn hot in that suit. Syed allowed himself to savour the thought of later, when he would take it off. He loved looking at Christian naked.

"Penny for them"

"What?"

"Your thoughts, penny for your thoughts," said Maz. "Where's Amira? I haven't seen you two dancing yet tonight. Not having a quarrel are you?"

"What? No! I…just don't feel much like dancing."

"Christian's certainly got some moves over there" said Maz looking over to where Christian and Roxy were."

"Yeah. I suppose so. Uh, I'll be back in a minute dad I'm just going to find Amira."

The night dragged on and Syed stayed some time after Christian left. Most people were very drunk by this time and Syed suggested to Amira that he walked her home. When they got to her door, he kissed her goodnight. It felt like he was kissing a sister. There was just nothing in him any more that responded to her in the way he felt he should.

"Do you want to come in for a bit?"

"Not tonight Amira. My head's killing me. I'm gonna go home."

"Syed, is everything all right between us, I mean …: You do still want to marry me don't you? It's just… I feel you're becoming more and more distant, is there something worrying you?"

"No of course not. I'm just tired tonight. My head is all caught up with the wedding and there so much work on at the moment. . I'm sorry… I'll make it up to you I promise…I'll see you tomorrow, maybe we'll go for dinner?"

"Okay …I do love you Syed"

"Yeah me too" said Syed feeling like a fraud.

He turned and headed for home. He felt angry and miserable after talking to Amira. Sometimes, he wished he'd never met Christian. Things would be so much easier. He decided not to go to Christian's. Somehow he had to stop this situation. It was impossible to maintain any longer. He was going to get married.

"Heh Lover"

"You startled me. What are you doing here?" Syed spoke sharply.

"I went for a walk, is that a problem?"

"No... I just… I thought you were waiting for me?"

"Got tired of waitin' -you don't look to be heading in the direction of my flat anyway Syed."

They stood looking at each other. Syed was uncomfortable about the possibility of being seen but meeting Christian out here in the street was all ready making him lose his resolve. There was no one about. Damn Christian, he was so seductive. He didn't even have to do anything. It was just the lazy, sex filled look he gave him. He was obviously slightly drunk and all the more rampant for it.

"Come back to mine"

Christian moved towards Syed, put his hand between Syed s legs, and pushed him up against the wall. It was very dark; the street lamp didn't throw much light onto the small side street. Syed felt himself stiffen.

"You want me." He kissed Syed full on the mouth.

"You love me Syed."

He looked at Syed with such intensity, like he would devour him. Syed felt himself becoming more aroused. They kissed again passionately, tongues deep in each other's mouths. Christian had one hand on the back of Syed's head, in his hair and with the other he pulled Syed's hand to his own erection and made Syed touch him, Syed responding because this felt so right and consumed him, made him forget anything else.

"See how much I want you?"

Syed wanted to have sex right there up against the wall, Christian pounding into him, but he forced himself to clear his head …

"Christian stop… c'mon lets go back to yours."

"Lets do it here Syed, no one can see us."

"What are you talking about?"

Syed felt almost tired of resisting It would be so easy to just let Christian do what he wanted, what they both wanted. Christian was holding his arm just firmly enough for Syed to play the game that he had no choice He forced himself to pull away

"Are you crazy? C'mon."

How they got back to the flat Syed could never remember He was terrified someone from the reception would see them but there was not a soul about. Once inside Syed began to take Christian's clothes off. He felt his excitement rising again as he slid off Christians shirt. The man was perfect. Christian was taking Syed 's shirt off and the two men ran their hands over each other backs, shoulders, arms, savouring the feeling of muscle, warm skin, chests pressing together. They opened each others trousers so that they could feel skin on skin. Syed ran his hands down Christians back and pushed one hand down the back of his trousers pulling Christian against him. They ground against each other becoming more and more exited . Christian lay on the bed pulling Syed on top of him. Syed held himself up so he could see Christian's face and then he moved slowly up and down sliding his erection against Christians.

"You love me Syed" Christians chin pushed forward slightly as he said it, defiant, challenging Syed to deny it.

He closed his eyes as Syed snaked his hips from side to side in answer.

"Syed "he breathed "I wanna fuck you, I can't hold on much longer"

He reached up and pushed Syed's hair back with one hand, he held on pulling a little to excite him. His other hand was on Syed's backside, stroking him. In one strong movement he rolled them both and now Syed was on his back, Christian on top of him.

"You gonna let me fuck you? "He said, looking at Syed with a slight smile and as much wickedness as he had in him. Syed shook his head, playing the game even though he was desperate for Christian to be inside him.

"Well then… I'm just gonna have to make you. Turn over."

Syed did it like he had no choice even though he wanted nothing more. He opened his legs a little lifting his hips moving in small movements up and down side to side anticipating Christian. Christian ran his hand up and down the inside of Syed's thigh. And then neither of them wanted the game anymore.

"Christian go on"

"I don't want to hurt you, I want to love you "

Using a little oil from the side of the bed, he massaged Syed pushing his fingers in and out just at the entrance.

"You okay?"

And then he was entering Syed at first just with the tip, teasing, relaxing him, until Syed was almost screaming for him to do it harder. Christian drove into him and Syed felt like he was hyperventilating, as if his body was in shock and ecstasy all at the same time. Christian slammed against him holding his hands against the bed He was so hard it was almost painful and then they were both coming. They held on to each other, breathing together as their bodies throbbed and pulsed with the force of their lovemaking. When they were both quiet, his voice full of emotion, Christian said,

"Syed I can't let you go. I love you so much. You've got me, I don't know what to do anymore, you've got to stop this wedding. I'm begging you"

"Don't Christian Shhh," Syed held him tight. "I do love you … you know I love you …. I just know it's gonna hurt so many people…"

They slept then, exhausted, but nothing was resolved and when Syed left early the next morning, he looked at Christian sleeping and knew he had to tell him soon, make him understand that it was over, they couldn't go on. He knew he didn't have it in him to stop the wedding. It was like a huge carnival float rolling on all by itself and he had a bit part which he couldn't get out of. He didn't have the strength or the courage to jump off. It didn't matter that he loved Christian, his desires were nothing compared to the enormity of living as an outcast, shaming and losing his family, disgracing Amira. More than that, he had a vision for his life and although that had started to lose its attraction the more he fell for Christian, he still wanted to _be _someone. A 'someone' in his mind was certainly not gay; it just didn't fit into his picture. The thing that Syed had forgotten, maybe still didn't realise, was that if someone had asked him who he most admired and he had been able to give them a truthful answer it would have been Christian – for so many reasons: His kindness, his humour, his strength, his willingness to love and be vulnerable, his ability to stand up and be who he was, there were so many things to admire in Christian. Syed would remember in times to come. Would understand what being 'someone' meant.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter four

_Later that day in Masala Queen's offices, Syed decides to tell Christian it's over. He does it because of the strength of his feelings for Christian. He feels that he must get out now before everyone realises He can't keep it under wraps anymore….. _

"I don't believe you, after everything we said, you said you loved me!"

"That was then, that was that moment, I was under pressure, I felt I had to say it."

"Under pressure! We were making love. That was real. How can you turn it into something else?"

"I'm sorry…. I do care about you, very much … but… I'm going to get married Christian, you know that and we can't go on –it's not fair on anyone. I've been telling you all along, you won't face it, and you still don't understand my culture."

"Don't give me that! This has got nothing to do with culture or religion. This is about you and me and you not having the guts to be true to yourself. It's about you not having the courage to admit to anyone that it's me you love. Why d'you have to make it seem so dirty?"

Christian was standing inches from Syed's face with a look that Syed didn't want to see. It was a look of pure pain and more than that, dislike.

"I don't know who you are sometimes Syed, or what I'm doing here, wasting my time"

"Christian I'm…."

Christian put his finger to Syed's lips, shook his head. Even now, Syed could feel his desire rising, feel himself wanting Christian to touch him –was sure he would, but Christian pulled away and walked out of the office.

"Christian! Please try and understand….." He wanted to run after him tell him he didn't mean it, but he didn't follow him even though he felt sick to his stomach at the thought of losing him. He _had_ to do this.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter five

_A week or so later and Christian has barely left his flat- he hasn't seen or heard from Syed and he resolves__ to get away before the wedding__, __he can not be in Walford when that day arrives._

Christian sat in his flat drinking. He felt sick and his head was pounding. The wedding was six days away, the festivities would start in three days and Syed was going to go through with it. At the thought of Syed he felt like he was in physical pain. He'd always known this moment was going to come; he'd just longed so much for it not to that he'd made himself believe things might turn out differently. He couldn't believe how much he'd deluded himself. He had truly underestimated the powerful part the combined forces of family and religion played in Syed's life. More to the point, he thought, he'd underestimated Syed's powerful aversion to appearing anything other than 'proper normal' to the outside world. Christian saw it now as if someone had given him a reality kick to the stomach. It had never been going to happen. Moments spent with Syed played like a film thorough his mind. He ran over how many times Syed had pushed him away and denied his feelings. The moment that really stuck in his mind had been not that long ago. Lucy had been blackmailing Syed and Syed, not knowing who the culprit was, had accused Christian. Christian had responded to the accusation unguardedly.

"Why would I want to blackmail my own boyfriend?"

Christian felt sick as he remembered how Syed had responded to that. How he had looked at him.

"I am not your boyfriend"

What Christian yearned for with every fibre of his being had never been going to happen. He wept, felt his heart would break, was glad that no one could see how this affair had literally brought him to his knees. He had never experienced anything like this before. He wasn't used to this vulnerability. He didn't know how to cope with it. He was used to getting his man. In fact it was usually so easy he got bored very quickly. Syed had given such conflicting messages; Christian hadn't had time to get bored. He'd been too busy trying to win Syed's love and in the process he'd fallen so heavily he didn't know how to pull back

He had to get away! He had to put distance between them. He could _not_ be at the wedding. Amira had called a few times that week and various people had knocked at his door but he hadn't answered and he was sure Syed would find some lie to explain his absence to Amira. He was good at lying after all. He didn't want to hear about the preparations. The whole thing had become unbearable'

Christian rang his friend Nick.

"It's just a bloody mess Nick I need to get away from here. I just wondered if I could come and stay for a couple of days- I don't know what you're up to. I'd keep out of your way? "

"God Chris, this isn't like you! You sound distressed mate! Of course you can come and stay. It's been so long since I've seen you, too long. When d'you want to come? Today? - I'm here for you Chris, you know that."

Christian wondered briefly if this was a good idea. He and Nick had been lovers once, a long time ago. The affair had soon fizzled out but the friendship stuck and had lasted sixteen years. Nick had continued to hold a bit of a flame for Christian but had enough self respect to keep it under wraps. He knew the feeling wasn't reciprocated. For Christian's part, he valued Nick's calm, no nonsense approach to life and right now he felt like just the person Christian needed to be around.

When Christian arrived later that evening after a four hour journey, Nick took one look at him and went to get him a large scotch.

"You look like shit Chris, what _is_ going on?"

Christian accepted the drink gratefully.

"Ah I don't know where to start Nick, are you sure you want to hear all this?"

"Fire away Christian darling, I've got all night."

Christian sighed, "It's so complicated."

He told Nick pretty much everything

"…So that's why I'm here. I can not be at that wedding. I needed to get away from him. I can't see him anymore. It's killin' me"

Christian hadn't realised how alone he'd felt. It was so good to be able to talk about it with someone

Nick looked at him with genuine compassion. He whistled long and low, letting the air out slowly.

"I don't know what to say Chris. It's hard to understand to be honest. I mean, it _sounds_ like he loves you too. I admit I'm not much up on the whole Muslim angle, but it seems it's pretty strong for him. From what you say it sounds like he's one confused man. I think you're right to come away. Maybe if he doesn't see you he'll realise where his heart is. But I don't know y'know; from what you say it's not just his family is it? It's like he can't accept it about himself. Maybe if he was gonna come clean he'd have done it by now. I know this sounds harsh but it seems like he's gonna get married and would be happy to keep you as his piece on the side."

He saw Christian's face.

"Jesus Chris, you really love this guy. I'm sorry darling I don't know what else to say."

At that moment Christian's phone buzzed, telling him he'd received a message. He pulled it out of his pocket knowing all ready it was Syed

"Where are you Christian? Why won't you answer your door? I need to see you. It's been days now. Why won't you answer? I need to talk to you. Have you gone away? Call me, please"

Christian turned his phone off.

"Was that him?" said Nick

"Yeah. I'm just gonna turn the phone off I can't deal with it right now."

"C'mon Christian let's have another drink... Are you hungry? We could go and get something to eat?"


	6. Chapter 6

chapter six

Syed was sitting in his room at home. Amira was downstairs with his mother talking dresses. They were totally immersed in preparations. Everyone was caught up in the wedding fever. Syed didn't know what to feel anymore. A part of him felt more included and loved by his family than ever before-something he desperately wanted. Even his father was laughing and joking with him-slapping him on the back and giving him quirky bits of a marriage advice which consisted mainly of telling him how to put up with nagging wives and keep sane. It should have felt good and sometimes it did feel good. But mostly he felt a constant gnawing ache in his belly. All he could think about was Christian. He hadn't seen or heard from him for days. It was driving him mad. He had a terrible fear that this was it. That he would never see Christian again and he couldn't bear the thought of it. He felt he couldn't breathe. He imagined Christian with other men and was filled with jealousy and pain at the thought. He knew that these feelings were crazy when he was days off marrying someone else. He just didn't know what to do anymore. He thought a few times about confiding in someone but he didn't know who would be safe to talk to. He knew in his heart that he wasn't right for Amira. How could he be? He and Christian had a deep emotional connection. He had never felt that with anyone else. He wasn't sure what it was he felt for Amira. He appreciated her as if he were looking at a beautiful piece of art. Her company and conversation no longer held his attention. He had to find Christian. What he was going to say to him when he did, he didn't know. Christian had been so strong up to now. Taking everything Syed had thrown at him. It seemed he had had enough. So much so that Syed couldn't get hold of him at all. Syed rang again but Christian phone went straight to answer machine. 'Hi this is Christian- leave me a message I'll call you back.' He phoned again a couple of times just to hear Christian's voice. He left a few more messages becoming more and more frustrated.

"Christian Where are you?"

"Just call me please"

"Look I'm sorry okay? I wish I could make you understand but not speaking to me won't sort anything. This is pointless; phone me when you're ready."

"Who are you with? I know you're angry."

"Christian I… you know what I feel about you, I don't want to be without you … there must be a way we can still see each other … I know I 've been unfair with you."

"I'm sorry Christian, you're probably right not to answer. I won't call you again..."

Christian meanwhile kept his phone turned off for the next four days. During that time he hung out with Nick, drank too much, talked into the night and realised how good it felt to be away from Walford and the constant torment of seeing Syed. Two days before the wedding he had a pang of guilt, texted Amira and apologised for not being there for the wedding preparations. He'd helped her as much as he could stomach anyway. He lied and said he'd see them all on the big day knowing that would stop anyone thinking about what he might be doing and quite sure that by now no one but Syed would be thinking about him anyway. Then he turned his phone off resisting the urge to listen to the messages. The night before the wedding he got very drunk with Nick. Nick had tried to persuade him to go out but Christian couldn't face it. He bought a couple of bottles and drank, hoping to numb the pain he was experiencing. He and Nick sat together and Christian could feel Nick's leg pressed against his. He was very drunk by this time and despite all the heartache he was feeling, he felt himself becoming aroused. Nick was good company, full of fun and kind- a very attractive man. Tall, with black hair going grey and green eyes sparkling with humour, Nick had never been short of admirers. Syed was getting married tomorrow. Nothing mattered anymore. He and Nick looked at each other and then Christian leant in to kiss him. It felt nice-not earth shattering, but warm and comforting and it felt good to be in someone's arms. Nick pulled back. He was a little more sober than Christian.

"Chris is this a good idea? We're both drunk – I don't want you regretting this tomorrow."

"What about you? You want me?" said Christian.

"Me? I'd have you anytime darling." Nick said in his campest voice.

They kissed again.

"Well then," said Christian. "Let's go to bed"

Nick got up pulling Christian with him. Christian swayed a little as he made his way to Nick's bedroom. Nick pulled him down on to the bed and kissed Christian again, a long lingering kiss, savouring every minute. He'd wanted to kiss Christian from the minute he'd arrived. Christian seemed to get more desirable with age. Nick had known it was a no go but here they were anyway and he was getting his wish. He knew it probably wouldn't be repeated. He wasn't going to let his heart get in the way. He knew Christian was hurting and so he was tender and loving and later after Christian had come, allowing himself some release, Nick held him. The tears came as he knew they would but he still wasn't prepared for the depth of emotion he felt coming from Christian. He held him most of the night, allowing him to grieve. Eventually they both fell asleep, lying apart. Christian woke a little later feeling sober and empty as if he had been drained of all feeling. He left the bed and went back to the spare room where he lay awake until it just began to get light. It was Syed's wedding day. He packed his bag, left a letter for Nick thanking him for everything and promising to keep in touch, hoping Nick would understand that he had to go. He stepped out into a cold grey morning and headed for the train station. He didn't even have an idea of a destination. He just needed to keep moving.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter seven

Syed hadn't slept. It was the morning of his wedding. He was dressed like a prince but it was all wrong. He felt, ill exhausted and heartsick. He'd spent all night tortured by his thoughts, sleeping fitfully.. The festivities had been going on for two days all ready and more and more members of the family had arrived. Syed felt as if he were in a nightmare of his own making. He felt like a man condemned. He thought of Amira and how he would be lying to her from the very beginning of their life together He was for the first time realising just what it would really mean to live a lie. To live in denial of his feelings and to try and be someone that he wasn't. He could see no way out. He was obsessed by thoughts of Christian and the idea of him with someone else gave him physical pain. He was starting to realise just what he had put Christian through in the past year.

Syed" It was his father calling him. This was it. It was time. He was marrying Amira and Christian was lost to him.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter eight

_Ten months later._

Syed was living at his parents house with Amira. He had tried his best to be a good husband and son but everyone noticed how thin he had become and how unhappy he seemed... Amira was miserable in the marriage and angry because she knew there was something he was not telling her. Their sex life had started badly and went downhill from there. It became a constant source of argument between them and Syed's parents couldn't help but notice that things were just not right. They were hoping that they might have had a grandchild on the way. Zainab tried to tackle Syed but he was unwilling to talk and had become more and more distant from his family, reacting angrily when people asked him if he was all right.

After a particularly bitter argument between him and Amira, which they conducted in whispers, hissing at each other, so that Masood and Zainab wouldn't hear, Syed told Amira that he needed to get away for a couple of days to clear his head. Amira was furious and accused him of cowardice ….

"You're not the man I thought you were"

"You're right. I'm not a money making, baby making machine!"

"Don't make me laugh Syed. A baby is a physical impossibility unless you can get pregnant by wishing. Just go, if that's what you need to do, but when you come back you better have something worked out because I can't go on like this much longer. I feel like I'm living in a fish bowl with your parents. We need our own place which means you need to start taking our money situation seriously. And I want you to go to the doctor with me and find out what is wrong with you. I want to be a mother someday Syed…and I need ….more than …you know what I'm saying!"

Syed couldn't listen anymore. He told his parents that he had a possible business deal that he needed to follow up and that he would be away for a couple of days. They didn't believe him but now he was a married man felt less able to interfere. Zainab tried again to get Syed to talk, but he fobbed her off. He was going to see the one person he knew may be able to help him and it wasn't going to be easy to get the information he needed.

Jane was walking through the market picking up some food for the evening meal. She looked up and saw Syed in the distance. He looked awful these days she thought. Marriage obviously didn't suit him. Syed was coming straight for her and a minute later he was by her side.

"Hi Jane."

"How are you Syed?"

Syed got straight to the point.

"Jane I need your help. I need to talk to you in private, have you got a little bit of time now?

"Okay, yes I could spare ...but what is this all about Syed?"

"I really can't do this here Jane. Can we go to the unit?"

"Okay. See you there in ten minutes?"

"Thank you Jane I appreciate this."

At the unit Syed sat waiting for Jane trying to work up the courage, he had to talk to someone and he knew it had to be Jane. She was the only lifeline he had.

Jane arrived looking pensive. "So Syed?" she said looking at him.

"Jane there is no easy way to say this. I don't even know where to begin. I need to find Christian... You're the only person who's going to know where he is. I know you know Jane and I have to find him."

Syed stopped, closed his eyes took a deep breath, fighting back his fear of saying what he was about to say .

"Jane, before I got married Christian and I….I'm in love with him Jane. I don't know what to do any more. I had to marry Amira don't you see? In my religion…"

"Whoa Syed, I'm having trouble taking this in. Just stop for a minute. You're… in love, with Christian?"

"We were seeing each other no one knew except Lucy."

"Lucy!"

"I can't go into that now, but she saw us. Christian asked her not to tell anyone. We were seeing each other for months. I pushed him away, I had to marry Amira. I thought I was doing the right thing. In my culture homosexuality is just not accepted at all. Jane I've tried. God knows I've tried but I can't forget him. I think about him every day. I am not a husband to Amira and I have failed my religion but I can't go on like this any more. I'm on my knees Jane. I need to find out if he still feels the same way. I've made a terrible, terrible mistake and I'm probably going to regret it for the rest of my life...But I have to know... I have to see him"

Jane could hardly take it in. Christian and Syed? And no one noticed? She could not believe that Christian had kept it so quiet.

"I don't know about this Syed. It's pretty hard to take in. First Christian has asked me not to tell anyone where he is. And surely this is going to cause big trouble in your family. I really don't know if I want to get involved. Are you sure you want to do this Syed? Have you talked to anyone? . I don't want to be involved Syed. Your parents are my friends."

"Jane I'm begging you. I need to see him. I promise you if he wants me to go away I will. I was just too afraid. There were too many things to fight. But he was right. I can't hide what's in my heart. I'm going out of my mind. Please I need you to understand, we were in love, he loved me Jane he's the love of my life. Surely you understand what I'm saying? Please I have to see him. Just once. I am begging you to help us".

Syed looked so forlorn, so desperate, Jane's heart went out to him.

" Syed… sweetheart…. I feel a bit blown away by this. It was the last thing I expected you to say. …"

"Please Jane."

"Look If I give you his address you have to promise me that you will leave him alone if he doesn't want to see you . Promise me Syed …I don't know if I'm doing the right thing. Here."

She gave him a card

"He's been doing a bit of interior design with a friend of his ---this is their card. I wrote his address on the back. Promise me Syed. If he doesn't want to see you …phone him first. Please."


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter nine

Syed did not phone Christian. He needed to see him face to face. For the first time in months he felt energised. He was terrified he would find Christian happy with someone else but he needed to see that for himself. He took the train and travelled the two hundred miles to Christian's new home not knowing what he would find but sure that it was the right thing to do.

When he arrived at the address Jane had given him he suddenly wavered, feeling embarrassed by the obsessive drive that had brought him there and he almost turned back, but the need to see Christian was too strong. He knocked on the door.

Someone was in. Christian opened the door. He reeled in shock when he saw Syed. He couldn't speak at first

"What are you doing here? How did you find me?"

Christian heart was hammering He felt instantly angry and tearful. All the feelings he'd been trying so hard to forget came flooding back in one huge wave. He almost closed the door in Syed's face.

"I had to ask Jane. Please don't be angry with her." he said quickly as he saw Christian's reaction.

"I didn't give her a choice. I made her tell me, I had to see you."

"She should have done what I asked. Christian looked at Syed with such pain in his face, Syed felt his throat tighten.

"Christian please just hear me out. I've been going out of my mind wondering where you were. I've never stopped thinking about you. Why did you leave like that?"

"You have to ask? …I'm sorry I don't want to do this: You shouldn't have come. You've chosen your path. I don't even know why you're here but I beg you just let me be. We've been here before. My heart can't take it."

"Christian" said Syed putting his hand on Christian's arm.

"Don't touch me Syed"

"Christian, I was wrong. I shouldn't have let you go."

"Syed .its done finished."

"Don't say that- you love me, I know you do and I love you."

"I think you said that once before, let's see, yeah, that's right, the day before you left me. Couple of weeks before you got married, to a woman. You're too late Sy. It doesn't mean anything any more. I know you can't do it - whatever you say. We'd fuck, make up and it will just be the same old Syed"

"Don't talk like that"

"What … like what? You don't like it? You don't like the word 'fuck' is that it Syed? Pretty appropriate I'd say. Just go… Amira will be waiting. No doubt your mum's got your tea ready -better get home."

"Stop it"

"Stop it? Why should I? All I'm asking is you leave me alone"

"Christian please I'm here to give you what you want, what I want."

"I don't _want _anything because you're not free to give it. It doesn't mean a fucking thing Si, if you don't give it freely."

"Christian I'm beggin' you, please, just hear me out".

"What, so you can find another way to manipulate me? I don't think so."

Christian was crying now and Syed couldn't bear it. To see someone so strong be so vulnerable. Syed tried to touch Christian again; put his hand out to touch Christian's face.

Christian flinched as if someone had struck him.

"There's nothing here for you Syed -go home."

"I don't believe that."

Christian softened.

"Syed I can't share. You're a married man. The whole thing, it's just been … I don't want to feel like that; I'm not going to put myself through it any more. I'm not going to be your secret. I can't be around you. That's why I'm here. Nicks been great, I'm happy here."

Syed ignored the instant jealousy he felt at the mention of another man's name.

"Christian, I can't sleep with Amira. I've tried...I just can't do it… It doesn't feel right. She's wonderful but I don't love her. All I think about is you – I'm living a nightmare Christian .she wants me to go to the doctor. What do I say? 'The truth is doc, I don't fancy my wife, I'm in love with a man and if I've lost him …. '

They looked at each other then. It was as if neither could breathe.

Christian shook his head. All he wanted was to pull Syed into his arms.

"Please Christian"

Syed stepped towards him and they looked at each other again, both afraid. Syed terrified that it was too late. Christian terrified that if he touched Syed he would be lost again.

"Does she know you're here?"

"No one does no one but Jane."

"Okay, you tell her …and when you've told her I'll be here and maybe we can try again."

"Christian…"

"No Syed, I've taken enough, that's the only way it's going to work."

Chapter Ten

_Amira confides in Masood about her unhappiness with her marriage and is shocked when Masood tells her what he suspects about Syed and Christian. Masood talks to Jane who confesses she has given Syed Christian's address. Masood is angry and disgusted with his son but Jane begs him to try and understand. It is a difficult conversation__ They are very close friends but Jane supports her brother and his sexual orientation whereas for Masood the whole idea of his son loving a man is hard to accept. Coming soon! _


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

Amira sat in the bedroom that she and Syed shared wondering how her marriage was going to survive. Syed seemed to have absolutely no desire for her at all. She had tried all sorts of ways to encourage him. Her face burned as she remembered the humiliation she had felt when he rejected her advances. She just couldn't see a way forward. She couldn't stop crying. She didn't know who she could talk to. Syed refused to address the issue. She never knew what mood he was going to be in from one day to the next. Some days he was exceptionally kind to her, trying to please her in all sorts of ways. She'd feel warm towards him and his kindness would encourage her. She'd try and make love to him but then it was as if the shutters came down. Her natural desire to be close to her husband seemed, if anything, to make him angry. Then he would be despondent for days, hardly speaking to her and finding fault with her at every opportunity.

"Amira?"

Masood was knocking on the door. She hastily wiped her face.

"Yes I'm here." Her voice sounded strained.

"Are you okay?"

Amira was silent. She couldn't trust herself to speak; she knew Masood would hear that she was crying.

"Amira? Syed just called to say that he'll be back this evening. I asked if he wanted to speak with you but the phone cut out."

"Okay thanks"

"Amira, you don't sound okay. Can I help?"

He waited but there was no response from Amira.

"I'm a good listener…"

He could hear that Amira was crying.

"Amira, can I open the door?"

It's okay I'm coming" she said.

She opened the door.

"Amira, what is it love? What's happened? C'mon, don't cry, I'll tell you what, come downstairs; let me make you a drink. There's no one here. Zee's down at the unit. C'mon Amira, Syed will be home later. If you need to talk I'm happy to listen. Maybe I can help?"

Amira just couldn't stop the tears. All the rejection and humiliation of the past few months, all the feelings that she had tried so hard not to give in to were now surfacing and she felt as if she were grieving for something she had lost. She had lost Syed. Had she ever really had him? When she looked back she realised that whilst Syed was always kind to her and assured her of his love, it had been months before the wedding when she had first felt him distancing himself from her. He'd assured her it was nothing; but there was something, she knew it, something he just wasn't telling her. She felt like she didn't know the man she was married to. The person she'd thought he was didn't exist.

Amira couldn't tell Masood a lot of what was causing her so much pain. She just didn't feel able to discuss such things with a man and least of all Syed's own father, but Masood read between the lines and from the few things she did say it was clear to him what the problem might be. Masood had had suspicions about his son for some time; it was an old suspicion that had recently surfaced again.

He had seen the way Syed was whenever Christian was in the vicinity and the way they had behaved together at Denise's wedding had all but confirmed Masoods intuition. Christian was not the first man that Masood had thought Syed may find attractive. There had been a couple of other incidents when Syed was much younger where Masood had suspected that his son may be gay or at least bisexual. He had never discussed these suspicions with Zainab, first because he had chosen to dismiss the thought from his mind since it was just too unpalatable and second because he knew Zainab would never believe it.

Syed had always had lots of female admirers and when he introduced Amira, Masood thought that maybe he had resolved his sexuality. He had seemed so determined to marry Amira, Masood had relaxed, put the thoughts away assuming that it had just been a phase Syed had gone through as a young man. It was quite normal for a young person to have a crush on someone of the same sex who they admired and looked up to. But in the months leading up to Syed's wedding to Amira, those old nagging doubts about his son had revisited him. He had seen Christian and Syed exchange what could only be described as loving looks on a number of occasions and sometimes those looks had been frankly carnal. At Denise's wedding it was plain to him that his son and Christian were more than just friends. He realised no one else had probably noticed and that the two of them obviously believed their secret was safe. He'd tried to put his suspicions out of his mind. Syed and Amira were getting married and maybe he was wrong

Now Masood didn't know what to say to Amira. He wanted to comfort her but he realised there was a possibility his son was gay and like many gay Muslim men before him had chosen not to reveal the fact but to try and live as 'normal' a life as possible and to marry and have children. Masood didn't know how close to the truth he was.

"I wonder sometimes… maybe he just doesn't find me attractive. Maybe there's someone else he likes"

"Amira, you're a beautiful girl, of course he finds you attractive. I just think Syed is a bit…troubled."

"Well, what do you mean troubled? Is he _in_ some sort of trouble I don't know about?"

"No, that's not what I meant. I just think…Syed maybe needs to talk to someone about his feelings." Masood was floundering. He didn't know what to say.

"He talked to Christian all the time. Christian was really supportive, to both of us. Maybe that's part of the problem. He just hasn't been the same since Christian left. I know Christian's gay and everything, but he's just the sort of person that you can confide in. When he was around Syed was much happier. Maybe you men just aren't that good at talking about what you feel and that's where Christian was so good. I'm sure you're right. He does seem troubled by something. He's missing having Christian to talk to and maybe he is afraid to tell me what is worrying him. Maybe that's where Syed is now! Maybe he knows where Christian is!"

Masood wondered the same thing, although if he was with Christian, Masood was quite sure whatever they 'discussed' wouldn't help Amira and Syed's marriage. Amira seemed so cheered by the thought that Syed might be with Christian, Masood felt furious with his son. He resolved to go and see Jane. He wanted to know once and for all if what he suspected about Syed was true and Jane was the one person who might know something. Christian was her brother. Surely he would confide in her. They always seemed very close.

"Look Amira, maybe Christian's not quite so much your friend as you think he is. I think Christian is attracted to Syed and maybe...Oh I don't know… maybe Syed is confused by that." He looked at Amira to gage her reaction.

"Dadaji, that's crazy! Christian doesn't fancy Syed!" Amira laughed

"They're just really good friends. Syed would run a _mile_ if Christian came on to him. Christian just wouldn't do that! He's my friend too. Oh look, I'm just getting things out of proportion. I miss Syed so much. He and I just need to sit down and talk. I know we can work it out. It'll be all right you'll see. Don't worry about me any more Dadaji. I'll be okay and anyway Syed is coming back to me tonight."

She got up.

"I'm going to go and get thing's tidied up in our room, sort my face out." She laughed. "Thanks for listening Dadaji; you've always been so good to me." She kissed Masood on the cheek and went upstairs as if all her problems were solved. She resolved to make an extra effort tonight to look her best and wear something she thought Syed might like and she told herself that things would be okay. They'd sit down and talk things out and she would be supportive to her husband instead of attacking him because things weren't how she wanted them. There were really few options for Amira. She was married. She had to somehow make it work.


	11. Chapter 11

Chapter 11

As he headed to the unit to tell Zainab that Syed was coming back, Masood saw Jane. She was coming out of the Minute Mart. He called out and ran to catch up with her.

"Hi Jane! How's things? I was wondering if we could talk. Do you have a few minutes?"

Jane was instantly wary. She had not been able to stop worrying about the consequences of telling Syed where Christian was. She didn't want any bad feeling with the Masoods. At least it wasn't Zainab on the war path.

"Is there something wrong?" she asked

"Probably not. It's just… I've just spent the last hour with Amira who was a little upset. I think she and Syed may be struggling a bit. I thought you might be able to shed a bit of light, you always give good advice Jane."

"Oh, well thanks Maz." said Jane, now even more wary. "But surely Zainab would be better placed than me to help with that? Wouldn't she talk to Amira? She and Syed are very close."

"I don't think Zainab could help me with this one"

Jane knew straight away then, that Masood had his suspicions about Christian and Syed. She and Masood got on and could read each other pretty well. Masood was being cagey but something was really getting to him and he wanted answers. She could feel it. She was quite sure that she didn't want to be the person to give him them.

"Look Maz I'd love to stop and chat but I need to go and get tea for the kids. Ian'll be fussing, you know what he's like and if I don't get back soon he and Lucy will have started world war three."

"Jane, please, just ten minutes. Let's walk."

Masood didn't particularly want Zainab to see him talking with Jane for any length of time. She was still edgy about their friendship. Jane felt unable to find a good enough excuse to get out of ten minutes and so reluctantly she walked with Masood.

"Jane, I'm just going to say it straight out and if I'm wrong all I'm asking is that you never breathe a word of this conversation to anyone, because it could cause a lot of trouble."

"Masood, you're worrying me."

"I might be barking up the wrong tree here but I think Syed and Christian might have liked each other … oh this is difficult. I _think_ they may have had some sort of 'intimacy' and I was wondering if Christian had ever talked about Syed with you. I wondered why he left Walford. I mean it was quite a sudden decision. Look I'm going to be straight with you Jane, I think part of the problem that Syed and Amira are having is to do with his feelings for Christian. Would you know anything about that?"

"Masood I don't know what to say…Christian certainly never mentioned it to me."

At least she could be truthful about that. But Masood had picked up on her lack of surprise and also that she was uncomfortable with the subject.

"Jane I think you know something. I'm going to stick my neck out; I think Christian and Syed have had some sort of relationship in the past. I've had my suspicions about Syed's sexual orientation before. I watched them and I saw how they looked at each other. It wasn't like best mates Jane. I know what I saw but I chose to ignore it. He seemed hell bent on marrying Amira. If it's true it will cause so much trouble for our family. It is completely unacceptable in our faith for a man to have relations with another man. I don't think he and Amira have consummated their marriage and I'm wondering if he has gone looking for Christian. Do you know anything about it Jane? Am I wrong? I hope I'm wrong."

Masood looked at Jane steadily, the question lay between them and he saw the admission in her eyes.

"I know you know Jane, I can see it, you don't even have to tell me. How could he? How could they? Poor Amira, that poor girl."

Masood felt sick and angry. He knew it! Let's face it, he thought, he'd always known. He just hadn't wanted to admit it to himself. Not his son. Not their family.

"What do you know Jane? Please. C'mon, tell me. I just need to know what is happening with my son."

Jane didn't know what to say. She tried to explain.

"Syed came to see me a couple of days ago. He was very distressed Maz. The poor man was troubled. He told me he loved Christian. I told him where to find him. I _told_ him I didn't want to get involved but he wouldn't take no for an answer. I'm sorry. I didn't want to cause any trouble for anyone and least of all to cause hurt to Amira; but Syed was so desperate and even if I hadn't told him where Christian was he would have gone looking Maz. Try and understand. I couldn't not help him. He seemed so determined and I think he really does love Christian. I think he feels he married Amira because he was trying to do the right thing…I know he cares about her but…"

"Syed couldn't do the right thing if he tried. Ohh how am I going to tell Zainab this. I can't. She will be devastated. Her golden boy."

"Have a bit of compassion for him Maz. Think of the stress _he_ must be under. He's been trying to live a lie simply because he doesn't want to let anyone down. But you can't pretend all your life, not about something so fundamental to who you are."

"Plenty of people do Jane. They get married, they have children and they are not necessarily unhappy because they know they have been true to their faith."

"You can't be serious Maz. You and I have talked many times. You are a progressive man for god's sake. Sorry… but surely you can't believe it is right for someone to deny who they are to please others. People are born gay; I mean it's not a choice. Christian couldn't be anything other than who he is. Surely you can see that? Considering all the prejudice they receive do you really think anyone would choose that. I mean I'm sure you could no more kiss a man passionately than I could another woman – it just wouldn't feel comfortable or right. That's exactly how it would feel for Christian and possibly Syed to be with a woman."

"Jane, you don't understand what it means to be Muslim. For one thing in our culture and faith it is quite normal to do things for the greater good rather than to only be concerned with ones own needs and wants. Syed understands but he chooses to think of himself and not his wife and family."

"That is so not true. I can't _believe_ you think that way. All the conversations we have had Masood. And now when we talk about your own son its like you're going back to the dark ages! There have been homosexuals since the beginning of time. It's not as if we have suddenly become accepting in _this _society. The Greeks celebrated same sex love. Read the Iranian poets. Look at the American Indians attitudes to gay people. Many cultures throughout history have celebrated same sex relationships. C'mon Masood. I respect your culture and your faith. I respect your right to your beliefs. But surely you must respect Syed's feelings. I hope you can find it in yourself to support him if he needs it."

"Okay Jane I hear you, but you tell me what happens to Amira in all this? Sure, our family might pull together and survive the gossip and censure of our community. But what about her right to have known the truth? To have known it _before_ she committed herself to him. And you expect me to support him."

"He's your son. Isn't that all that matters? Of course you should support him …and her. Surely it won't be good for her to continue in a marriage that can't possibly work."

"Jane, we have to stop this conversation. Maybe when Syed comes back this evening he will be able to tell us all the truth once and for all. But I tell you this Jane; I don't think either he or your brother are going to be welcome in my house if they are together. Take care Jane. You look after your family. I will see to mine."


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12

Syed sat on the train staring out the window without looking. All he could think about was how beautiful Christian had looked and how much he had wanted to touch him. He still couldn't believe that he'd left without even a kiss. Christian was adamant. He must tell Amira the truth.

The longing in his body increased the more he thought about him. He savoured the thoughts, imagined Christian's mouth on his, the taste of him. Pictures came into his mind of a day at Christian's, months ago, when they had made love with such passion that afterwards he had cried . His body had felt as if it had changed state. It was as if every part of him had movement, as if every cell had woken up and was vibrating. Christian was so physical and Syed loved to feel as if they were flirting on the edge of abuse. He'd wanted Christian to hurt him a little, he'd kept saying 'harder Christian,' until Christian was pounding into him and thrusting so deep Syed entered a heightened state and came in wave after wave. The tears had just started involuntarily. He'd been embarrassed at the show of emotion but Christian had lain in the bed, looked at him with such love and then kissed him deeply, passionately and with such tenderness, Syed had known that he felt the same. They had crossed some line, something had been created between them and they were no longer the same people. They had changed each other. How he had ever thought he'd be able to live his life without Christian? He was in love.

He couldn't imagine being intimate with Amira In fact the thought made him recoil. He'd been so unfair to her. He could never make her happy. He thought about what lay in front of him. He didn't know how he was going to tell her, but he knew he had to.

He couldn't even let himself _think_ about what it would do to his parents. He knew that Zainab's reaction would be the worst. He dreaded the moment that was to come but things had got to such a point there was no going back.

The train pulled into Walford Sation and as Syed got off he saw his father was coming to meet him....

Chapter 13…_coming soon_

_**Terrible scenes and high emotion on their way…….**_


	13. Chapter 13

_Chapter 13 In which the lies all start to come out. It's not just Syed that has been keeping huge secrets! Please review - next chapter up very soon _

"Syed, you and I need to talk."

"Is everything okay dad?"

"No, everything is not okay. Look, the taxi's outside, let's get your bags in and we'll go for a drive."

"Dad, you're worrying me now. Is it mum?"

"Your mother is fine. Syed, let's not mess around here, I want to talk about you and Christian."

Syed instantly felt his heart thumping.

"What about me and Christian?"

"Don't play games and I don't want to have this conversation here. C'mon"

Syed had no idea how much his dad knew and he was shocked to be confronted so quickly. He hadn't had time to collect his thoughts. Nor time to think about what he could say. He got in to the passenger seat and his father started the car.

"So where are we going?"

"We're just gonna drive and you can tell me what is going on Syed, and I want the truth. If the truth is what I think it is, then its better you tell me now. Your mother won't be able to deal with it."

"Dad ….I'm sorry, I don't know what you want me to say."

"You could start by telling me why you needed to see Christian so badly that you were willing to lie to Amira and us. Christian _was_ the business trip I take it? Don't look like that Syed, I got it out of Jane, so don't insult my intelligence by lying to me. "

"Okay, yes I did go and see Christian." Syed turned away from Masood, He couldn't bring himself to say it but he knew this was the moment. He had to find it in himself. He looked down shaking his head.

"Dad, I don't know how to say this to you…"

"Syed, I all ready know the truth. Are you and he lovers?"

"No!" Syed shouted the words and then more quietly. "No. I'm married dad."

"You don't have to remind _me_. But you were lovers." Masood wasn't asking.

"Don't shake your head. I _saw_ the two of you at Denise's reception. I didn't want to believe what I was seeing… Syed, I'm just gonna ask you straight.. Are you gay?"

Syed felt he couldn't breathe. He found it so hard to say it, even now, when his father was giving him the opportunity.

"Dad I …"

"Syed_, are you gay_?"

"Yes! Syed forced the word out eyes closed, head bowed. "Yes, I don't know… I think so…I've tried so hard dad. I don't want to be like this. I don't know what to say to you."

Masood was silent at first and then he said very quietly, "So what about Amira, Syed? If you knew this, why did you marry her.?"

"Because I wanted to do the right thing! Because loving Christian is haraam. Because I didn't want to let you down, to shame you!"

"And now? What's changed?"

Syed tried to find the words. He must make his dad understand how much he loved them. That it wasn't because he didn't love them that he couldn't go on.

"Dad, I'm living a lie. I've been _trying_ to love Amira. It's driving me crazy. I feel like I'm trying to live someone else's life. The_ only_ time I feel _right_ and myself …is when I'm with Christian. I love you all so much. I owe you everything. It didn't seem right to just think of myself but I can't do it any more. I need to tell Amira the truth. She deserves that surely?"

"So you think, that telling your wife that you are in fact gay, were having an affair throughout your engagement and now need to be _honest _with her, is doing the right thing?"

"Well yes I…"

"No Syed, It is the wrong thing. It's not just about _you_ feeling better. It's about how many people you will hurt if you follow this path. I'll tell you the truth. The thought of you …and him, disgusts me. It isn't natural. Of course, I know, the reality is, there are gay people and I've always liked and respected Christian, whatever he chooses to do in his bed. But he is not Muslim. He comes from a different culture and as long as he doesn't encroach on my life I can put it out of my mind. But you Syed," Masood sighed deeply "you are my _son_, the eldest, the next head of this family. Your brother looks to you. Will you walk away from all of it because of some unnatural lust? Is it so difficult to lie with Amira? Most men would do anything to have such a woman. She is a good girl you know Syed, and she loves you"

"I _know_." Syed could feel the tears coming. Here he was again. Faced with the enormity of what it meant to choose Christian, to choose _himself._

"I know she loves me but_ I_ love Christian. I _love_ him dad."

"I can't hear you say that Syed. It's not right."

"But how can it be so wrong? _Why_ is it so wrong? I don't want to hurt anyone. All I want is to be allowed to love who _I_ choose and I choose him."

"And how will you tell her Syed? And your mother…it will break her heart."

"I don't know. I don't know! I just can't go on living like I've been living."

"So you really think you know what suffering is do you Syed? You'd call your life one of suffering?"

"Look dad, of course I know how lucky I've been. You've given me everything, you've been the best of parents and you have guided me right. I know how beautiful Amira is but she will find someone else."

"She will be shamed by you and she will suffer by association and you know it. What has she done to deserve that? What have any of us done to deserve that?"

"I just can't answer that, you know I can't. I've explained. I'm only in this mess because I've tried _not_ to hurt all of you. I need to tell Amira dad. I'm _going_ to tell her the truth. It will hurt her I know, but better that than to go on and on, because eventually it's gonna come out anyway. The truth will out. _You_ told me that… I don't know what to say to mum."

"You're on your own Syed. I can't talk about this any more. It's making me sick. I don't want you to coming back to the house tonight. You are only going to upset everyone. I will not let you do that to them."

"Dad, I have to talk to Amira at least."

"Not under my roof. You're not welcome. You'll have to talk to her somewhere else."

"Dad please! I'm still your son!"

"I'm going to drive you back to the train station. What you do from there is your concern. You are _not_ my son and I refuse to allow you to destroy my family."

"You don't mean that! Of course I'm your son. I love you, and I don't want to destroy_ anyone_!"

"And yet you will Syed, just like your father before you!"

"What does that mean? What are you talking about? I don't understand"

"It doesn't matter. I'm taking you to the station. I don't want to talk any more. I will deal with your mother. What you say to Amira is up to you." Masood pulled up in the taxi rank outside Walford train station.

"No! Say what you mean. What do you mean, 'like my father before me?' What does that mean?"

"Forget it Syed, just get out and take your bag."

"I need to know what you are talking about, this is crazy! So what will you tell them? How will you explain my absence? Where do you expect me to go? Amira is expecting me tonight."

"Syed, get out of my car."

"Please dad!"

"You've made it clear where you want to be, so you go there. Shack up with Christian. Do whatever you do, but Syed… leave me and your mother alone._ I_ will talk to her. If you need to talk to Amira you'll have to arrange to meet her somewhere else. You should be ashamed. You're weak Syed. You always were. Now please …get out of the car."


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14- It's the Journey

Masood didn't go straight home. He drove with no particular destination going over and over his and Syed's conversation. He pulled up and turned off the engine and then sat in the car thinking about how he was going to tell Zainab. He had revealed his and Zainab's secret, something he'd promised he'd never do. Zainab had been in the early stages of pregnancy when she had left her first husband. It was something they had vowed together, never to reveal, but he had been so angry with Syed. It wasn't even the _fact_ he was gay but what it was going to do to the whole family that most angered Masood. He was powerless to protect everyone in the situation and now he had to tell Zee that not only was 'their' son gay but that he had broken their vow after 29 years together. He felt sick. He called Syed.

"Dad?"

"Syed. A word of advice. If you value this family and your own safety, don't tell Amira the truth. If you _are_ going to leave her, tell her it is because the marriage isn't working for you, tell her anything, but don't tell her about Christian. Don't tell her you're gay."

"Dad I owe her the truth"

"No Syed, you owe it to her to protect her from the truth! Do you understand? Do you know how our community will react if this gets out? How Qadim will react if he finds out?"

"I never set out to hurt her. I do care about her!"

"That is not how it will look, whatever you tell yourself, do you understand me Syed? One more thing, do not come back to Walford. We'll contact you. I will speak to your mother. You have to leave it for now."

"But dad…"

"No Syed…for once you listen to me" He hung up

Masood drove home. Zainab was waiting anxiously.

"Where have you been? I have been so worried. Couldn't you have phoned? What kept you so long?

"Zee, sit down. We need to talk. I've just spoken to Syed. I…"

"Where is he? I thought he was coming back with you. Why isn't he here?"

"Zee, just stop talking and listen. Syed isn't coming back, I have told him not to."

"I don't understand."

"Look… Syed has been seeing someone else.

"What? No!"

"It started before he married Amira-and he's gone back to them. He says he loves this person. I lost it with him and told him not to come here; I told him… I was not his father… Zee I'm so sorry, but when you know who he has been seeing maybe you'll understand. Don't look at me like that"

"What have you done? I don't believe you, you wouldn't. Why? After all this time? We agreed _no one_ must ever know! Maz, I don't understand!"

"Zee, Syed is gay, he's been seeing a man."

"Don't be ridiculous, what are you saying? "

"He went to see Christian."

"Christian?"

"He says he loves him and that they were seeing each other before he married Amira."

"No, no I won't listen to this!"

"He says he only married her because he wanted to do the right thing. I lost it with him. I told him I was disgusted and that he would hurt everyone just like his father before him. He didn't really pick up on what I said, but I meant it Zee. That boy has caused trouble from the day he was born and you know it, and now this!"

"This cannot be true. What does Amira know?"

"Nothing as far as I know. He said he was coming back to tell her, and us, that he has decided to be with Christian. I refused to let him come to the house."

"But we must talk to him. You have to tell him you said you weren't his father because you were angry."

"Zee I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to let him come here and ruin everyone's lives, because that's what he is doing Zee. Whatever is going to happen to that poor girl? She genuinely loves him and when Qadim finds out do you think Syed will be safe? I wouldn't put it past him to cause some serious trouble. No, Syed must stay away. If that is the path he is choosing then he has to do it outside of this family. I know you love him Zee,_ I_ love him but maybe he does have his father's genes. He certainly knows how to hurt everyone around him."

"Maz when we ran that day, you promised me that you would love him like he was yours. You promised. You can't just wash your hands of him now. You've brought him up like your son –we are the _only_ ones who would have ever known that. I have always felt that he _was_ yours. That man did not deserve to have children. I don't want Syed to ever know- I don't want _anyone_ to know. Do you realise what it will do to all of us? And no Maz. I don't believe he can be gay. He has always had many girlfriends. He is just unhappy with Amira for some reason. They probably need more time to adjust to married life. We must call him. _You_ must call him. Tell him we want him to come. Tell him you were angry. Then we will try and support him and Amira."

"No Zee, you're just not getting it. This thing with Christian? Its not the first time that Syed has liked a man, I have had my suspicions about his sexuality for a long time."

"So why didn't you say anything, to me?"

"I didn't want to believe it. When I saw him with Amira, I thought maybe he had resolved it, but then at Denise's wedding I watched him with Christian and it was obvious, the way they looked at each other…"

"No, I don't want to hear…"

"- he and Christian were obviously lovers. I can't believe I'm saying this. I don't think this is something that is just going to blow over, I believe Syed is gay, Zee, he didn't deny it, he told me so himself…"

At that moment Amira came into the kitchen.

"Mum, dad, where has Syed got to? I was sure he would be here by now, Hang on, that's my phone! It's probably him!"

She ran out of the kitchen.

Zainab hissed at her husband.

"Maz! Are you saying you knew he was gay? Why wouldn't you say something? Why would you keep that hidden from me?"

"Keep your voice down! Do you want Amira to hear? Why do you think? First I hoped it wasn't true and when he said he wanted to marry Amira I believed that he had dealt with it. When I saw him with Christian I tried to put it out of my mind. Zee, you know what happens for all of us if people find out. Syed will be a marked man, we will all be shamed. He must stay away."

Just then Amira came back into the kitchen. She was distraught, tears running down her face.

"I don't understand. That was Syed and he says he is not coming back. He says he saw you dad. Why didn't you tell me? What did he say?"

"Amira…"

Masood didn't know what to say. Both he and Zainab looked at her and immediately she knew they were hiding something.

"What is it? Just tell me. What has he said to you? Please, I can't do this any more. Dad you know something I know you do. Where has he been? He won't tell me, he wants me to meet him tomorrow, to talk he says. Why do we need to talk? Why can't he come here and talk?"

"Amira, it's difficult."

"What's difficult? I've tried everything. I don't think he ever loved me. I don't even know why he married me. I've had enough."

"Amira, no."

"What is there to stay for mum? He doesn't want me in any way. He hasn't wanted me from the day we married. You can forget your grandchildren! He may as well be gay for all the attention he pays me!"

"Amira, what are you saying? That is not a good thing to say."

"I'm sorry." Amira put her head down shedding silent tears

"It's just been so difficult. I don't understand what is wrong with us, with him. I don't know what he wants. I shouldn't have said that, I'm so sorry."

"Amira, Syed …"

"No!"

Zainab shouted, stopping Masood before he said anything, terrified that he would tell Amira the truth. She wasn't ready to give up on Syed yet, on her dream of grandchildren. She refused to believe he was gay and was already imagining half formed plans to get Syed back in the fold. She managed to soothe Amira and encouraged her to think that Syed probably wanted to meet her away from the home so that he could talk with her in private, away from her and Masood

"After all, being with your parents is not very conducive to a good marriage is it now?"

She tried to keep her tone light . Masood was frowning, but he held his tongue until Amira had left the house saying she was going to see Chelsea.

"I am going to talk to Syed myself, Maz, make him see sense."

"Zee, I forbid it, you understand me? There is not much I tell you to do but on this one you have to leave it. I have all ready spoken to him and I have told him not to tell Amira the full truth. He will explain however he wants, it is their marriage, but I warned him of the repercussions if he reveals the full truth, Just leave it."

Amira walked across the square and sat down on one of the benches in the mini park. She felt utterly alone. Her dreams of a wonderful marriage with the man she loved were in pieces. Syed had not turned out to be like she thought at all. Sometimes recently she had found herself thinking maybe sleeping with someone before marriage wasn't such a bad idea after all. At least she would have then realised how incompatible she and Syed were. She didn't understand him at all. She felt she knew him less now they were married than she had before. She sat and cried and wished that at least Christian was around. She could have gone to see him and maybe he would have been able to help. He seemed to know how Syed worked better than anyone.

"Oh Hi Amira, you're not looking so happy?"

"Lucy! No I'm not feeling too great."

"Anything you want to talk about?"

"No, I was just thinking how I'd like to see Christian, How is he? Have you heard from him? I think Syed misses him very much. I need to talk to him."

"So Syed's finally got a back bone and told you then."

"Told me what exactly?"

"Well you know him and Christian?"

"What about him and Christian?"

"Oh dear, me and my big mouth. Its nothing, I'm sure Syed would rather tell you himself."

"Lucy, what are you talking about?"

"Amira someone should bloody well tell you, Syed makes me sick. He's such a coward."

"Tell me what Lucy?"

"Look I'll tell you, but I don't want anyone to know it was me who told you, okay?"

"Yeah fine, just tell me Lucy."

"Look I'm only telling you this because I feel so angry with Syed – he's upset Christian and now he's messing with your head. He's such a liar!"

"What, Lucy?"

Christian and Syed, well they were in love"

"Don't be ridiculous, why would you say that?"

" Cause it's true, well, at least Christian was in love with him- He just messed Christian about. I saw them once, caught them , you know, and it caused some trouble."

"What! I don't believe this! Who else knows?"

"I don't know, but that's why Christian left. He couldn't bear to see Syed marry you. Seems crazy to me. Why would a gay guy get married? I mean, what a coward!"

Amira felt as if she had been physically punched. Things fell into place rapidly in her mind. Lucy wasn't lying. Why would she? It made sense and it made her sick to the stomach. So that's what Syed wanted to tell her tomorrow. That was why he could hardly bear to touch her. It seemed as if everyone else knew but her. The way Zainab and Masood had behaved earlier told her that they certainly knew something. Suddenly she felt furious with them all.

"Well, sorry to be the bearer of bad news but I better be getting along. Dad'll be on the warpath if I don't get home. See ya!"

"Yeah."

Amira pulled out her phone.

"Dad? Can you come and get me? Yes now. I need to speak to you. It's important"


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15

"Syed, I'll meet you tomorrow where we said but it will have to be a little bit later, say two o clock? I hope you get this message before then. Just text and let me know that you've got it- see you tomorrow."

Amira put away her phone and looked at her father.

"Dad, just let me speak to him first."

"Amira, sometimes men need to talk together. I only want to know what he intends to do by you. Just for once let me be a proper father to you."

"Well don't start getting angry. Hear him out first. I just need to know what is going on and then you can speak to him- give us an hour and if I have not come out to meet you after that you can phone me, okay? Please dad. I do want your help but only if it is necessary"

"Whatever you say Amira. I am here for you."

When Amira rang the Masoods, Zainab answered the phone.

"Amira, don't give up. When you have talked to Syed things might be better."

"Mum, I'm not giving up. I just needed to see my dad."

"Well okay then. But I will look forward to seeing you back here tomorrow. You sleep well."

"And you, bye"

Amira slept badly. She couldn't believe what Lucy had told her and yet it was the one thing that seemed to explain Syed's behaviour. That bastard Christian! All this time he'd pretended to be her friend! What kind of man would behave like that? And Syed. Why had he married her? Was it just to use her as a respectable front while all the time he was doing disgusting things with Christian? The more Amira thought about it the angrier she became.

The next day Qadim drove her to the coffee shop on the corner of Regents Park. Qadim didn't want to leave her but Amira insisted

"One hour dad. You promised. We _are_ married and we need to sort things out. Just call me in an hour. I'm going to be okay I promise. One hour."

Syed was waiting, sitting at an outside table, his shoulders hunched. He looked like he was carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders. When Amira saw him her heart missed a beat. He looked so beautiful and vulnerable. She wanted to be angry with him but she loved him so much!

"Amira"

He stood up, kissed her on the cheek and pulled out a chair for her.

"Would you like coffee?"

"Okay yes thanks."

Both of them were awkward and they both felt the strain of all that was unsaid between them.

"Amira I…I asked you here because there's things I need to tell you. I didn't want to talk with mum and dad breathing down my neck. Amira …"

Amira looked at him, refusing to help him. Syed struggled to find the words. He had to do this on his own. He had lied to her all this time. Just once let him do it right.

"Amira there is something you should know about me, something I should have told you a long time ago. Look …I think you're the most beautiful woman I've ever laid eyes on... I never set out to hurt you; I never wanted that…it's just…"

Syed looked down. He couldn't look at her. She had given her life to him and this was how he repaid her. He had to think about Christian, but at this moment it was hard, he just felt guilt and self loathing for what he had to say , for what he'd done and what he was about to do.

"Syed, Just tell me. I can't bear it any longer, just tell me!"

"I'm…"

Syed looked at her trying to make himself say the words.

Amira couldn't stand it any longer.

"Why are you such a coward? Even now you can't be honest! I _know_ Syed."

"What do you know?"

"Oh please, don't drag this out, just say it Syed or shall I say it for you? You don't love me because you _can't_ love me can you Syed? And we both know why. How could you?

"Amira..."

"Yeah what? What can you say? Sorry? It's empty Syed. I gave myself to you, I trusted you and all the time you've been …"

Amira started to sob

Please Amira,"

"No! I _hate_ you and I hate _him_! He pretended to be my friend and all the time he just wanted to take my husband. What kind of man is he? He's some kind of freak!"

"Don't call him that…"

"Why not? You're even worse. You disgust me…"

"Amira I …"

"What? _What?_ What can you possibly say that can make things better? You've destroyed me, do you understand? You and Christian."

Qadim sat down in the chair next to Amira facing Syed.

"Syed"

"Mr Shah!"

"Dad, why are you here? I asked you for one hour."

"Amira darling, I want you to take these keys and go and let yourself into the car. It's parked across the road in the bay. I need to talk to Syed myself. Just do as I say. He and I are going to have a chat."

Amira got up.

"I've got nothing more to say to you anyway Syed. I thought I knew you. I don't even know who you are…"

"Amira, I'm sorry."

Amira turned her back and walked to the car.

"So Syed! What to do, what to do uh?"

"Mr Shah. I don't know what to say to you. I do love Amira."

"So you will be staying with her then and working things out until this blows over?"

"I can't do that."

"No you misunderstand me Syed. You_ will_ be staying with her and working things out until this blows over."

"No Mr Shah, I can't do that. I can't be with Amira. She and I have tried but it is not working."

"You think that you can make that decision after a few months of marriage? I will not let you do that to my daughter. So, I'm warning you …You'd better find a way to fix this or I swear I will hunt you down. You and anyone you're with and when I find you, you'll wish you'd never been born."

"Are you threatening me?"

"Yes I'm threatening you! You believe me Syed. I'll tell you this. I never liked you from the day I first set eyes on you. I should never have let her marry you. And now you have been carrying on with another woman behind her back. Don't think I don't know! How dare you shame her like this?"

"I have not been seeing another woman. I swear it."

"You listen to _me._ I'm watching you. Wherever you go I'll be watching you and you'll never be able to relax because every time you look over your shoulder you'll see me and I'll bring you down Syed. That's a promise,


End file.
